Melancholy by Ariadna de Raadt

Why do people always underestimate the power of a person...the whole person? All my life I have been teased and joked on about my height. It's bascially what defines me because no one usually takes the time to see the real me. They see a lil person. I actually hate it...it hurts my feelings when people say certain things about my height. A joke here and there is expected, but some people take it too far. I tell them that I don't like it, and they keep on doing it anyway. I actually made myself become accustomed to it. I had just gotten to the point where I could deal with it, but there's always a breaking point, and I've had mine. I hear people say things behind my back a lot; half of these people don't even know anything about me. But when people begin to say that I'll never amount to anything because no one will ever take me seriously because of my height...that hurts. It's not something I can control...God made me the way I am...I used to love being short...but I don't want it to be what I am defined as, and that's what it's coming to. In light of that I had a piece that just came to me a few minutes ago. I had to write it to get it out of my system...

I just had to share that...kind of like my therapy. Soul...I've updated twice...I don't wanna hear no more lip! I think my interview went well this morning, for those of you who were interested. Just pray for me...cause I really need this job. I'll let you know when I hear something. Until next time....

Things are happeniing so fast. Life is beginning to creep it's way in. Just Friday i was caling a checking up on this job application, and I was invited for an interview on the spot. Something about me impressed them. I have been praying for a change...the right change. It's time for me to change venues...and this job is perfect. I'll be right on track with this position if I get it, because I get my Master's Degree in May of 2006. I'm so proud of myself for making it this far...next stop Ph.D .

Seriously, my present employment isn't getting better. I can tell that this lady has a grudge against me, and I just wish I knew what I did to her, if anything. I honestly feel bad, because she's out of town. And if I get this other job, I'm going to have to quit while she's gone. One of my friends said not to feel bad...it's karma. I'm just praying that I get this other job and everything works out of me....

Other than that, there's really not much going on. I'm trying to give Pat moral support before he goes postal on some kids. Not for real, but he's real frustrated right now. But even though he has so much going on with him...he's such a huge support. He's really proud of me...that's makes me feel so good. Thanks baby...me love you long time .

As far as my family goes (TVA), you all have helped a great deal too. I love you all so much. You were there when I needed calming down and I so appreciate that. Bonni...we're trying to come to the A for your birthday. Jai...haven't forgotten about you...but my brain is majorly farting. And Soul...if it wasn't for you this entry wouldn't even be here...cause you always harassing me about updating!! But I love ya big bro (not hit me please). Okay...that's enough for now...my hands are going sleepy-bye.

I used to be able to say that I liked my job. Well, today, I can honestly say that I can no longer say that. Sure, I'm just a graduate assistant, sounds like easy money huh? Don't let that, "oOo..sounds like an easy job" title fool you. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate this job. I really do, because I needed the paycheck. But things have gotten so out of hand over here that I'm not sure how much longer I can take it.

I'm a hard worker, and I aim to please so I try to make sure everyone is pleased with my job performance. Ideally I work for every professor in the department which is 7. That's not the bad part because I can usually space my work for each of them out. However, since a certain professor has been appointed the new chair of the division, things are going bisurk. I have a list of things to do before the summer is out. Doesn't sound like much but when you factor in that I have 12 things on my list, all of which take at least a month to complete correctly, I have to do one year's worth of work in 2 months. But this is the kicker...I am developing a tutorial for an online resourse network that will enable both teachers and students. It's a good tool, as a matter of fact it's excellent. But I only know so much. I attended the training session with the members of the faculty and staff. The university only paid for one session because they are so expensive, however, you can attend all 5 and still not know everything there is to know about this website/resource. I, along with 3 other professors, have been given administrative power over our university's resources on this site. So, my first task was to develop a tutorial for students to use. First of all, this is used for education students only, I'm a psych major. I never have to even look at it. Secondly, because my account has administrative power, I have several more options and buttons that students do not have. But, she wants me to use my account as a guideline and make screen shots from it. But this pisses me off more than anything...Not only do I have to make a tutorial for the students...I have to make one for the faculty as well!! What the ? First of all, these are the same damn people who attended the training session with me. Secondly, we all only attended one. So how in the hell am I supposed to miraculousy know more about this than they do? I am a bright and dedicated student, but I don't know everything!! And get this crap...the lady who is know the new chair has said that she will help me in developing this because I have been stuck in several places. How about this heifer doesn't know how to do the advanced operations and is getting pissed cause I don't know how to do them either!! Ummm...DUH...your stupid arse sat right next to me in the training session. I only know what you know !!! I swear...this morning, I went and picked up an application from a Mental health facility. They have an opening here in town and I promise you if I get it...I will leave them high and dry with this frikin Grad assistant position. There will be no two weeks notice. urrrgghhhhh ...these people are crazy. This lady is crazy...looks like power has went to her head and she hasn't had the positon 3 whole weeks yet.

What's really sad is, this is only assignment number one. I can't do this with her for another week much less another couple of months. I've had this job for a little over a year. Sure, last year was hectic, but the professor that I worked for actually loves me like I'm her child. She's very knowledgeable and helpful and helps you make sure you're doing everything just right. I miss working for her. And this new lady won't even let me go see if she needs any help. It's like she's jealous cause she knows everyone likes working for this other professor than for her. Even the undergraduate work-study students are mad as hell . I promise, if God and some of my relatives weren't watching me from Heaven, I say some real not-nice things. But I'm too good of a person for that...I was raised better. But that doesn't mean I can't think about it...I just can't act on it. Okay...I'm through ranting. I actually feel a lil better, but as soon as I hear her heels coming down this hallway I going to be upset again.

Hey Fam...I know I know...it's a lil over a month. I've just been chillin and preparing for the semester. I have class tonight as a matter of fact..

Yesterday was my baby's birthday..he's 22. I told him that he's old now...he's not really old but I just tease him cause he teases me. (See the phonecam for the gorgeousness that is Patrick Johnson ). I tried my best to make his day as wonderful as possible. He had to drive to Montgomery with his students so the majority of his day was on the interstate. We're going to try to celebrate it all week though...just so he knows how much I love his punk arse!!

How about I actually won this? I didn't think I would....thanks TVA. I love ya'll!!

the earth rotates
continuously
as I ponder
this
mundane existance
pleading helplessly
to live on my own
sloughing the excess
so I can fly
looking
for freedom

today I will find it...

as I peer out
into the distance
the brightness
of life
sparks passion
in blazing shades
breathes hope
into my spirit
only to give way
to the intensity
of your face

you are what I'm looking for...

chasing liberation
yet discovering
inspiration
imagination
holds me close
as if it birthed me
at this present moment
life takes on
a whole new hue
as I look for your
colors in the sky

for you are too beautiful to hide...

the clouds are filled
with yellow moons
and blue suns
all in the highlight
of the day's labor
the trees waltz with me
as I tell the story
of my quest
and anticipate
the rest of my life
being this amazing

for you have given me this treasure...

I kiss the purple birds
and caress the green horizon
searching for
what is already
mine
escapades
of the spectacular
have given themselves
to me
and it's all thanks to you

so away I soar...

for you were not my ticket
you were my teacher
to be carefree and expressive
was the lesson
taught by the head mistress
yet only realized
after conception passed
so I follow your lead
on the wings of the red dragon
I will be looking
for your colors in the sky
but
painting a portrait
with them
in my heart
evermore..

Okay...that's all you get for now...my joints hurt so I can't type that much.

GLAMOUR

the mirror haunts her
reflects scars
that are not yet visible
peering into depths
not yet reached
but forseeing destruction
of a beautiful face
a beautiful mind
a beautiful self-image
because the mirror
reflects her soul

the glare masks grace
and highlights imperfection
hair lacks luster
eyes don't sparkle
body mass morphs
but all the while
the prominence
of her tears
cannot be cloaked

she believes not
within herself
that true beauty
is innate
because the exterior
is all that lights her way
and she can see nothing
beneath the veil
of what the world
judges her by

armed with images
and articles
on what is beautiful
she shifts shapes
in order to make
what stares back at her
a visual clone
of the person looking up
from the cover of a magazine
never realizing
that she will always
be more beautiful
than any airbrushed
representation
of a young woman
for she is real...

Had no idea I'd won this. I really didn't even pay it attention. Thanks TVA.

Dear God,

I'm coming to you in so many ways. I'm talking out loud, crying rivers, and writing books. I see people struggling daily. I am one of them. There are so many people going through so much. Please grant them the wisdom and courage to face what frightens them most. Help them understand and help them find peace within themselves. I send special prayers to you on Kimmi's behalf. She needs you in her corner now more than ever. Please continue to take care of Derek and his family as well, as their battle is far from over. For all of those in my heart, please continue to bless them and keep them close to You.

My uncle is on a road to self-destruction. I know that You are aware. I am so afraid Lord. My family is helpless. He is destroying us, but most of all, he is destroying himself. The drugs are taking their toll on his body, for they have already taken over his mind. Please God, help him. Guide him in a direction that leads to peace. Whichever direction You see fit we have no choice but to accept. I know that if he doesn't stop, these toxins will kill him. I don't want to bury him, or anyone else in my family, for that matter. However, I know that it might be becoming too late to get him to change. Please grant me and my family (especially my grandmother) the ability to change what we can and accept what we cannot. Please help me to help them. My grandmother is so fragile because of her son's actions. Help her not to lose her faith. God, help me to not give up on mine. Life is a series of trials, and I have passed so many test. Please do not let me get weary now. If things do not get better, please help me accept and prepare myself for what You have in store. I want him to get help, get better. But I give this struggle to You, hoping that he will turn himself over to You as well. He cannot do this alone, as I cannot face it alone. Please God, help him, guide him, help him seek and find redemption. 

I ask these things in Your Son Jesus Christ,

Amen

I'm trying to do better about updating my journal. Honestly, the reason I quit posting so much is because I felt certain comments of my own were under scrutiny. I could even pinpoint who I felt was attacking what I said. Well, I can't tell Dessa not to stop posting if I do so for the same reason. That would make me a hypocrite. That's not good.

I realized this morning that I'm trying to deal with frustrations. It's not major things, just lots of little ones. I really don't have anyone in close proximity to talk to about them. I have a only a handful of friends here. When I say handful I mean about 4. Based on previous events, I had to discard a great deal of people from my life. The people I do have are dealing with so much of their own shyt that they don't have the time for me. So, having said that, I saw myself this morning taking my frustrations out on the people I care about the most. I really wasn't trying to do so, but I guess I just wasn't paying enough attention to my actions. But how do I talk to a person and apologize to them, if they are taking their frustrations out on me as well? I mean, we are both on edge, and I know that I am not making the situation any better. I just wish that we could both slow down for a minute and relax. I think that would make the world of difference for the both of us. I have done it to everyone, one of them being my mother. I felt so horrible about it, but she forgave me because she knows what I'm dealing with for the most part. I've also done it to someone who loves me very much. We've been tight like spandex for a long time. I felt so bad, but he said he understood. He's always been that kind to me. He's like family. I just need to talk to this other person and tell them I'm sorry. But I mean, I don't want to just say it. I would like to have a conversation with them. I know I should try, but that only frustrates them further. Is there any action I can take? Or do I just do nothing?

I'm so frustrated I want to smoke (a cigar...no illegal substances for me). I don't smoke, I hate smoke...that's how much I'm trippin off of this. I just wish they knew and accepted how sorry I am for making their day darker. Cause I know that wasn't cool. I was a real _____________ (substitute whatever word you feel here). I'm out.

~b~

I know some people are like...damn, 2 posts within days of each other! Don't get too excited...it might not happen again . I was playing around with this pic trying to make it look a certain way. I didn't work like I wanted it to, but oh well. Hey..there was a time when I couldn't even do this with pic. Beggars cannot be choosers.

Most of the people who even read my journal are from my poetry homes. TVA being the first and The Loft I joined later. I have made friendships that I value more than anything since becoming a part of these families, especially TVA. I have "adopted" so many brothers and sisters that it isn't even funny. However, none of that would have been possible without Ladessa Sullivan. Dessa is one of the greatest poeple I have ever met, and most people who come in contact with her would agree with me. She and Emani (her silly arse sister...I love ya Mani!!!!! ) have made me feel so at home since joining TVA. I hate to see my friends going through things are feeling like their world is closing in on them. I read Dessa's journal and I was blown away. I mean, I seriously thought I wrote that for a few seconds...that's how much in common our feelings can be. I'm not going into detail here, but I know Dessa has questioned a great deal of things. I have questioned the same things recently. I know that God is on her side. She's one of His angels (I'm just not sure she knows it). Emani's an angel to...she's just a special one (I had to get you again Mani) . When people see something they are jealous of...they hate on it. Especially a person. I mean, Dessa is one of the most talented people I have ever seen, not to mention she's so wise. There have been times where I have wanted to run away like she does now, but she kept me grounded. I want wisdom like hers. I have bore witness to some things being stated...comments of hers under scrutiny, and I don't like it...AT ALL. Everyone has a right to say what they wish, but sometimes you have to be respectful of others. I see the positive in her, and I'm almost 100% sure that the entire TVA fam would agree with me. If you are on of those people that happens to not like her...well, bravenet will not allow me to say what I feel like saying to you. Let's just say this      and a long middle finger!!!!!!

Dessa...you know I got your back. I love ya to pieces. You've taught me a lot about myself and I appreciate you so much for it. I told you ....I'll whoop somebody's arse about TVA, especially you!!

~b~

This morning around 9:15 I was flipping through channels and stopped on the inspiration network and just decided to stop turning them. Joyce Meyer was on talking about spiritual maturity. I like watching her sometimes cause my mom reads her books and she says that Joyce is very comical but makes a great deal of sense. She said something this morning that made me think about myself in these terms. She said, "If believers would grow up, they could become victors and not victims."  This may not sound like a lot to you, but trust me...this made a profound push in my soul. I have known for a minute that my spirit was hungry and I wasn't feeding it the right things. A few days ago I made a promise to myself that I was going to begin to take better care of me...in every aspect. I think that God is proud of my vow and is helping me.  Cause I mean that statement said so much to me. She was talking about how people talk about how the devil is always attacking them. And that is so true. I mean the devil is running wild; he's trying to attack everyone cause he's trying to get as many souls as he can. Well, I tell you what....he ain't getting mine! If the devil is leaving you alone, THEN you have a problem, cause that means he already has you in his grasps. (I really don't know if you all can understand the impact this message had on me). She also said, "The devil is always attacking, but that doesn't mean you have to be miserable while he is."  This is so true. How many times do people just say they can't take it anymore? Lord knows I have said that on more than a few occasions. But if you can smile in the devil's face while he's throwing stones your way, then you've already accomplished something. There have been so many times I have just wanted to give up cause it looked like the devil wouldn't leave me alone. I didn't think I was going to be able to make it. I am that person...the one who just said that the devil was always attacking and I couldn't stop it. Well, she made me change my way of thinking. Times will always be hard. People will always betray me. People will always stop loving me. But I don't have to let that control my life. And guess what....I'm not anymore.

On another note....I had the weirdest dream this morning. In my dream there was a violent thunderstorm. I mean violent too buddy. I'm talking trees leaning severly, wind blowing so hard that it would pick you up, and the rain was just sharp and hard. However, my entire family (entire George-Dickinson clan -that's about 75 people) was outside. We were gathered together and laughing and having a good time. It wasn't Christmas and no one died, we were just together. I'm telling you that is such a rareity in my family. Oh-that's my mom's side by the way.  And this is the best part, we were in abundant sunshine. It was like in the cartoons where the rainclouds were just over Wile E. Coyote's head, but vise versa. We got the rays of sunshine while everyone else was inside. I told Pat about it when we woke up this morning, cause I wasn't sure what it meant. And he was telling me that maybe the storm that my family is growing through is about to come to a close. Or at least we will find solace in it. You know that brightened my day. Cause I began to think back on my dream and the only person missing was my uncle (the one with the habit), but we weren't talking about him in past tense. That makes me feel like he's about to get himself some help. I almost cried thinking about it. My uncles are like my backbones. Each on of them has taught me something valuable. They were my dad when he wasn't around, so this means a great deal to me. My family is going through so much as is...just to get a lil sunshine in our lives makes my heart smile.

I hope everyone's having a great day. I have work I need to be doing, but I had to share that with someone...I guess any of you who actually read this. Talk to you all later. Eat it up....cause you know me. It might be a month before you get another entry (Soul...not a word big bro).